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Humour Quotes

"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
- Voltaire

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
- Mae West

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln

"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done."
- Carl Friedrich Gauss, when informed that his wife is dying

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up."
- Barbara Bush

"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."
- Clint Eastwood

"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
- Ambrose Bierce

"If you think that something small cannot make a difference- try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
- Unknown

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead."
- The Warner Brothers (Animaniacs)

"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it."
- Unknown

"I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter."
- Unknown

"I'm so poor I can't even pay attention."
- Unknown

"You're never too old to do goofy stuff."
- Ward Cleaver

"To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes."
- Unknown

"I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass."
- Unknown

(c) 2002 Cynthia Wells