Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip.
Q: What's the definition of 'Trust'?
A: Two male cannibals having oral sex.
Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a deaf dog?
A: A cock that won't come.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They're both fun to ride but you don't want your friends to know about it.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: The hooker will stop trying to screw you after you're dead!
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybotton?
A: Her boyfriend is blonde too.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: If a computer goes down on you, it's a bad thing.
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: How does a newfie take a shower?
A: He pisses into the wind!
Q: What do you do when a Newfie throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin out and throw it back!
Q: How do you confuse a Newfie?
A: Tell him to piss in the corner of a round room.
Q: How does the newfie confuse you?
A: He does!
Q: What do the gynecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Q: What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob?
A: You'll never hear a guy getting a bj say "slow down, stop, BITE YOU COCKSUCKER!"
Q: Do you know why they call it a Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your life!
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year!
Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.
Did you hear about the guy who bought his wife a new coat and a dildo?
He figured if she didn't like the coat, she could go fuck herself.
Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck for you.
Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: Why is the head of a Penis bigger than the rest of it?
A: To stop your hand from flying off and hitting yourself in the forehead.
Q: What is blue and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff.
Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
It seems everybody who gets a dog calls him either Rover or Boy. To be different, I called mine Sex. To my surprise, it wasn't long before I found this to be an emabarassing name.
One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A cop approached me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
I went to City Hall to get him a licence. I told the clerk, "I would like to have a licence for Sex." He said, "I would like to have one, too!" Then I said, "But, this is a dog!" He said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a very strong baby!"
My wife and I separated and we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married." The Judge said, "Me too!" I went on to explain how I had sex on TV. He called me a show-off. When I told him it was a contest, he asked me if I sold tickets.
I tried to explain about the time my wife and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He told me that every room was for Sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
I gave up.
My next dog will be named Rover or Boy, anything by SEX.
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
A proper man met a beautiful woman and agreed to pay $500 for a night with her. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his administrative assistant write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his administrative assistant send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Enclosed, please find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It had never been occupied
2) There was plenty of heat
3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size-if you haven't enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of coke pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of coke keep coming out. A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
The girl says "Get the fuck out! Can't you see I'm winning?"
A Toronto cop stopped a speeding car on the 401. When he pulled it over he noticed the Newfoundland plates. The officer proceeded to give the Newf a hard time, as well as write him a ticket.
The Newf felt like replying in kind, but didn't want the price of his ticket to increase. So, he bit his tongue.
Meanwhile, the Newfoundlander spied a fly circling the officer's head. The gendarme noticed the downhomer staring at his shiney, ever-growing barren skull surface and asked sarcastically, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Excuse me officer, but there's a circle fly buzzing around your head."
"Whaddya mean circle fly? Why d'ya call 'em circle flies?" asked the cop.
"Well sir, back home they continuously fly in circles around horses behinds. So we call 'em circle flies."
Are you trying to imply that I'm a horse's ass?" asked the cop.
"No sir, no sir. I have too much respect for the law to say that. I would never say such a thing...but you can't fool those circle flies."